Asking/Receiving

GeekTherapy · June 7, 2023, 3:37am

Originally published at: https://geektherapy.org/asking-receiving/

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#350: Josué and Marc talk about the particular discomfort of realizing you need help, and asking for it. From My Hero Academia to Batman, we love hearing stories about team members realizing the strength and power of actively receiving support.

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Transcript

Marc Cuiriz 0:11
Welcome to GT radio on the Geek Therapy network. Here at Geek Therapy, we believe that the best way to understand each other and ourselves is through the media we care about. I am one of your co hosts, Marc. And with me is my doppelganger. My older version, Josué Cardona.

Josué Cardona 0:32
I don’t like the way you said older, like, emphasized it.

Marc Cuiriz 0:35
Well see you do it to Lara. So I felt it was only fair to do it to you.

Josué Cardona 0:39
Gotcha. Just you and me today.

Marc Cuiriz 0:41
It is the two Amiga ops. Back at it again, I don’t even remember when we were talking about this before. But I seriously don’t even remember the last time it was just the two of us.

Josué Cardona 0:51
i dunno I dunno

Marc Cuiriz 0:53
Well, anyhoozels I So over the past couple of weeks, I was getting caught up, I was kind of wrapping up the sixth season of My Hero Academia. And as I was watching the sixth season, I started, started pulling up this main theme. And I thought it was kind of interesting for us to kind of talk about and that is reaching out and sort of learning and understanding when and how to sort of reach out for help, especially when you’re not quite sure how to do so. Or you have always been in an environment where you really couldn’t. And so now you’re trying to figure that out for the first time and learn until you kind of turn to others for support. So, yeah.

Josué Cardona 1:48
Yeah, that was good.

Marc Cuiriz 1:49
yeah right? You if you haven’t seen season six, right?

Josué Cardona 1:52
No, no, no. But I mean, you can, you can, yeah,

Marc Cuiriz 1:56
so I’ll I’ll do some some light spoilers for those that haven’t watched it. It’s, I’ll try to keep them very light, very brief. Obviously, the manga has been out for a little bit. But if you’re like me, and only really watch the anime, I’ll try to keep it light and breezy here. So if you’re familiar with my hero, you know that the main character Midoriya he has the quirk one for all. And over time, he starts sort of gaining a better grasp of the power. And eventually he starts unlocking the other quirks from the previous users, and he’s able to start utilizing them. So now, essentially, he can have up to seven quirks with them. And so obviously, it kind of builds up to this final battle with One for all and all for one. And at the end of the fifth season, you start seeing that it seems like Shigaraki is going to be the new all for one. And so the sixth season kind of kicks off with like a battle between the two. And Deku, who is being classic Deku realizes after the fight that just by him being around everybody, he’s putting their lives in danger. So he decides to work with the pro heroes, and becomes almost like a vigilante to lure out all for one. But also, he’s effectively trying to do this on his own. So he’s nonstop, he’s he’s barely eating, barely sleeping. He’s constantly moving, taking out villains wherever he sees them, or any bad guys, whatever, trying to protect everybody. But this obviously wears him down because he’s trying to do this all on his own. And he even turns down, it turns away from all might and starts kind of branching out on his own. And his classmates don’t, don’t take this well. They’re like, Yo, you shouldn’t try to do this all on your own. Because you’ve been teaching us that. As heroes, we need to meddling when, especially when you’re not needed, or when you don’t need to is like the essence of being a hero. So they try to go and knock some sense into him. And it’s this like them, trying to match his speed and trying to go at the same pace as him to show him that they’re not going to turn their backs on him and they’re not going to become reliant on him because they don’t want to be reliant on him. They want to work with him and overcome this issue in this fight together as a team, and as friends. And this is where Deku who’s always tried to be there for others, is now learning that he needs help himself. And there is a particular quote from Uraraka. She says to like a crowd of people, when they do bring them back to the safe spot that just because he has a special power doesn’t mean that he is special, he still just a kid, he could have this special power, he can do all these amazing things. But that doesn’t make him special. He’s not invincible. He’s just a kid who’s doing the best that he can to try to bring back the peace. And I thought that was it, it was it’s a very deep, heartfelt moment. And it just like it really resonated with me, because I know, when I was growing up, I had a lot of those same struggles of like, learning when to reach out for help. I was the one that people would come to, to talk about their problems, work through these things, whatever it is that was going on. And I didn’t know how to reach out for help myself. So that’s why I thought this would be a really cool and interesting topic to kind of explore and see what other forms of media kind of touched on this.

Josué Cardona 6:13
Yeah. Well, that that whole chat, I don’t know how light and breezy that was. But definitely the the character Midoriya slash Deku. He, he pushes himself so much in the series, right? Like he’s got. I mean, he starts with no powers and right and early on the show, he’s got scars and tons of broken bones. And he’s just, he’s always pushing himself. Way, way too hard. And it’s almost ironic that he, the only reason he’s he’s able to keep doing what he’s doing is because of that, that nurse whose quirk can can heal him constantly. And but also his power, right? Like his Quirk. The all for one is all about, like, this group of people coming together. And they’re all in a way, like, not just giving him power, but also supporting him in different ways. As the show goes on, right? It’s like you’re building off of what else these people did before you, and there’s a part of them in you. So you’re not even alone in that sense. But then you’re saying that later on, he gets to the point where he feels like he has to do everything on his own. But then, but then so so you’re saying that he gets to a point where he starts realizing that he needs help, but it doesn’t know how to go about asking for it.

Marc Cuiriz 7:39
No, he is more so like the his classmates sort of show him that it’s okay to need help. Like you like it’s they’re saying, like, you do not have to do this all on your own. Because you want to protect us. We don’t want your protection, we want to be by your side. And so this is sort of like him realizing what when he needs the help.

Josué Cardona 8:11
like they want to help him but he doesn’t want their help.

Marc Cuiriz 8:14
Yeah. Because he wants to protect them. He wants to try to be the standalone hero that like no, I’m going to protect you. And they’re like, dude, no, we don’t want that. You’re our friend. Yeah. And so it’s him sort of starting to realize like, Okay, this is the time when I need help, because I can’t do this on my own. And I mean, I’m gonna guess that, because right now the season six is over, we’re waiting for season seven, I’m going to imagine that season seven is going to be a lot more of that like, okay, like, he’s going to start learning to rely on his friends and his classmates to sort of help them out. But I don’t know too much about that. I haven’t gotten that far in the manga yet.

Josué Cardona 8:57
So so how did this resonate with you then again? What what, like, what did it bring up for you?

Marc Cuiriz 9:03
So like, like I was mentioning earlier, like with, with my own struggles with learning about when I need help, and how to even reach out for that help. That kind of resonated with me pretty strongly. And actually, in my therapy today, I, we were sort of I was sort of reminiscing and recollecting on like, what brought me to therapy in the first place. And it was I brought I mentioned that like, it’s because I realized that this was the time when I needed help. I realized the when, and by starting therapy, I was learning the how. So something I there was just things going on in my life that made me realize that this was the time that I needed to start reaching out for help. And then over the course of a few years now, I have learned how to reach out for that I’d help when I need that help or that extra support?

Josué Cardona 10:05
Like, how, what like, what was? What did it for you?

Marc Cuiriz 10:11
Like what, what caused me to realize when I needed to reach out

Josué Cardona 10:15
like it’s, there’s a line, right that you, you crossed any there was there was like a door you opened? How did you get from, from not knowing how to ask for help? Like what were the first things that you started learning that helped you?

Marc Cuiriz 10:33
Yeah. So I think what what kind of caused me to step over that line was I had some close i had I had a small support network, people that I could really, truly rely on, I didn’t really trust a whole lot of people that kind of kept a lot of people that arm’s length or even longer. And the few people that I did keep close to me, I started realizing we’re pulling away because of my own tendencies and my own unhealthy behaviors. And so because I was at risk of losing the only real support that I felt I had, I realized that there was something that needed to change. And I kind of figured like, well, I can’t, I’m not going to ask them to change because that wasn’t the mindset that I had. So I kind of felt like it was a me thing. As Taylor Swift would say, I’m the problem, it’s me. I had to do the callback. moving, moving forward, I realized that okay, it’s probably me, I need to make the change. So that’s when I started looking for for therapists. And what started me on that. And then, over the course of the first year of therapy, I started learning when to start recognizing when I was starting to hit low points. And when I was when I realized and was starting to recognize when those points were coming, or when I started noticing a dip in my mood to one develop more healthy coping skills to kind of deal with those mood sets, especially when my old coping strategies were becoming ineffective because they were overused, or they just weren’t as effective anymore. But also learning to be more open, and allowing more people to sort of come in that wanted to be a part of my inner circle. Because I often kept people at arm’s length because either I didn’t trust them, or I didn’t want to burden them with my problems. But then I started to realize that not the people that want to be there for me, are going to be there. And it’s important to be able to turn to them when I need that support. Because they’re there they’re offering it. I’m not trying to force them to to help me. They’re willingly saying, hey, no, please. Let me help. And then, yeah, I mean, it’s obviously a work in progress. It’ll always be a work in progress. But I know for me, I have really pushed myself. And I think I’ve come a long way since when I first started therapy. But this, this whole season was like, caused me to have that, that call back to the beginning stages. And I was like, hmm, I really resonate with this. This really reminds me a lot of of me at some point. And now here I am, I’ve gone through all these changes since I started. And like the the drastic difference between me then versus me now is unreal.

Josué Cardona 13:51
So you know, there’s a there’s like a, there’s a good tactic and therapy, or like, what would you what would you say to a friend that’s going through the same thing that you’re going through? Or like what advice would you give them? So I’m curious if when you’re watching the show, you’re like, Deku, you idiot, like stop doing that? Like, oh, wait, that was me.

Marc Cuiriz 14:14
Yeah, no, I, I’ve had a couple of moments like that. It’s even in earlier in the season. Earlier in this series too. There have been moments where I’m like, Dude, why? Why are you doing these things? And I’m like, oh, wait a minute. that’s me.

Josué Cardona 14:29
Yeah. I, I’ve always I think I’m better at it too. But it was really hard for me to to ask for help. I was gonna say, and I don’t think I’ve been cured, but I haven’t. I haven’t. I’m like, I can only do so much. Now. I think I think I’ve gotten a lot better. But like I won’t, I won’t ask for too much help. So like Yeah, like one time, I had to, like borrow money from my sister and I asked her for like, the bare minimum, you know, because like, I didn’t want to, I want to go too far. Recently, I asked you to come to my house and drive a pretty long way to do something at my house, because I wasn’t here. And that was a big deal for me to ask for help. But the thing that pushed me over was that I had had someone else come to my house twice already. And I couldn’t bring myself to ask them a third time. So I was like, it was like, spreading it a little thinner. And I was like, and, and it was you because I trust you, you know, like I was, I don’t think like other than the two of you here, there’s nobody else I would have asked. And, and so that’s a huge improvement, for me like to just ask that. And actually, my, my, the other person who who helped out, she offered when I was traveling. And so that made it a lot easier, because I never would have asked had had she not offered first. But since I was already, you know, getting help. And then and then it sucks, because then I feel like I owe people, you know, I went to a meditation retreat a long time ago. And one thing that they said was that it is I forgot, I forgot the exact wording. But the lesson was the importance of accepting charity. And so for these meditation retreats, there were 10 days. And you don’t pay anything at all, because that’s part of the part of the experience is accepting the charity of others. So once it’s done, if you want, you can pay something, anything, whatever you want, so that it supports other people in the future who wants to do it. But you don’t have to. So when you get there, it’s people are just providing you with lodging, and teaching and food. And and you don’t. And that was something that was a huge. That was a that was a moment for me. Like that idea. Because I did the day I went to a restaurant. Went to a Lou Malnati’s for the first time,

Marc Cuiriz 17:40
what? the first time??

Josué Cardona 17:41
the first time, I’m Giordanos person. If, if you’re not from Chicago, none of this makes sense. Oh, my goodness, it’s pizza. We’re talking to pizza. But I went for the first time. And I and the waitress brought the pizza. And she says, Do you mind if I serve you? The slice? And that’s the first time I’ve ever had anybody asked it that way. And the truth is, I do mind being waited on. I do not like it. Even at a restaurant, even though that’s a person’s job. I do not like it. But even when I was a teenager, like, again, like I don’t know, there’s between me and my therapist to figure out exactly what this is. Maybe you can help me. But like, I didn’t want my mom to wash my clothes. Like I didn’t want anybody to like, do stuff for me. I got to an age when I was a teenager. I was like no, like, nobody do nothing for me. And and I don’t know where that came from exactly. But even now I do not like being served. And so when she asked me that. And I didn’t say yeah, actually, I prefer you not to serve me. But I what I did, I asked her does. Does that happen? Often? How often do people tell you that they don’t want to be served? She said it happens, surprisingly, more than you think. Okay, so I mean, again, is being served the same thing as being helped? I think it’s related. You know, I think I think there’s some I think it falls into the category. Yeah, well, like lots of people deal with that. Right. And I don’t know exactly where that comes from. But I’ve gotten better at it by just learning, like you said, like, or like the example of Deku was learning that. What is how would I frame how I learned it? I think I wasn’t willing to even try and that meditation retreat experience kind of forced me to be in that situation of being taken care of. I think that’s kind of where it comes from. Like, I don’t think I know how to be taken care of. And it makes me feel uncomfortable but, but eventually I started, I started realizing that kind of like, it’s almost insulting to the person who’s offering help to the client. Like, because they’re being kind, and they’re being and they’re offering you something with. Right, like, there’s no, there’s no mal intent. There’s no, there’s, they, they generally, like want to be helpful, or, you know, just want to share something. And, and that was another thing that I started thinking like, oh, like, Oh, they’re offering me something. And I say no, they’re like, kind of offended.

Marc Cuiriz 20:56
Like, oh, really, I just, I just offered some help, and you’re just gonna spit on my shoes. All right, that’s Yeah,

Josué Cardona 21:01
yeah, yeah, just any kind of thing, right? It could just be hospitality, but it could also be like, real help. Um, and that was something that changes it for me too. But, but recently, I had a conversation with my older sister. And I was telling her that I, I don’t remember, I think it was like a financial advisor, or something like consultant or something that I contacted. Because I’m not great with my finances. And my older sister says, well, but don’t go paying somebody for for something that’s just common sense. And I told her look, I, I am old enough to have finally learned that it is. So much easier. To not do things on my own. To have someone else who can help, whether whether we’re paying our therapists or whether a friend is helping us out, right, it doesn’t matter how it is the that it is just easier. Like there’s no reason to go through so much pain, or even discomfort, you know, like what, why? when when you’re not hurting, like you’re hurting yourself. And then you think you’re hurting someone else? Because they’re helping you but you’re not. Like, yeah, so I mean, I think it’s complicated when you’re in that mode, how to get out of it. But I’ve also had stories that kind of reflected back at me, my experiences with that.

Marc Cuiriz 22:50
What kind of stories?

Josué Cardona 22:52
The one that really got to me, and again, like this is this is Geek Therapy. 101. Right, like you love my hero. So it makes sense that this right, you already had an affinity for it. And suddenly something happened. You had an emotional reaction, right? There were some resonance there.

Marc Cuiriz 23:10
And that’s not the only story too

Josué Cardona 23:12
no No, yeah. But but so for me, like, I love Batman stories. And there was a run called. Technically, it was. No, it wasn’t Batman Incorporated. It was before Batman Incorporated. He was he got in a fight. I think it was Infinite Crisis, I believe. And at the end of it, Darkside, hits him with something and he gets, everybody thinks he’s dead. But he gets sent back in time. And it’s actually a really cool story where you see him like in prehistoric times in the Old West, like you see him across time trying to get back. Like, he he’s a Batman and each of those areas, and it’s pretty cool. But while he’s gone, everybody’s taking care of the city. And then it gets like the whole point of that story, once he comes back, is that he finally come to the conclusion that like, oh, yeah, like this job is really hard. I tried to take care of this whole city by myself. And he has this whole bat family, right that has developed. There’s that woman, that’s my girl, and there’s Nightwing and there’s Robin, and there’s a few others. They’ve been inspired by him. They want to help him they want to fight by his side, right? Very similar. And it’s finally like he when he comes to that conclusion, he has this really cool scene where he calls everybody to the Batcave and tells them that like he’s had this realization. And of course, everybody’s like, duh Bruce. Like, finally. It took you long enough. Like we’re literally out there with you, you know, like we’re doing the same thing. It’s about time we worked together. And but it was It was like the obviousness of it right? It was like the fact that he had to go through so much to come to the realization that Oh, yeah. And then he takes it to the extreme. Because then, then that’s when he starts Batman Incorporated. And basically, he starts like recruiting people from around the world. And there’s like, bat people everywhere. And he’s got, it’s, it’s, it’s pretty cool. But that that was the one of the first stories I really did it for me.

Marc Cuiriz 25:28
No, no, that’s you, you said a lot. And, and my goodness, like, when you were talking about like the retreat, I don’t know if I can handle that, like, going there for 10 days, and then not paying anything or not being required that the pay for it just sounds so like such an alien concept. To me.

Josué Cardona 25:52
It’s also a silent retreat. So you can’t complain to anybody.

Marc Cuiriz 25:57
My goodness, like, yeah, I remember, in or like earlier, like a lot earlier in the, in this podcast series here. I remember you talking about that retreat, I think it was when you just went on it too. And sort of talking about like the things that you’ve learned through it. And I don’t think you ever mentioned the fact that like, it was like talking about accepting charity, and like having it be paying really only what you want. But knowing that what you’re paying is going to help other people to do the retreat for free. Yeah, and I can’t I don’t, I don’t, I would probably look at them and be like, Mmm, this doesn’t This doesn’t feel right. To me. I feel like I need to compensate in some way.

Josué Cardona 26:51
that’s suspicious, what’s happening.

Marc Cuiriz 26:52
it’s just like, this is a cult or something. But no, the, the Batman story is. That is that’s such an interesting story. And I really wish I was into comics more, because I’m sure there’s so many stories that I could probably really resonate with. And I’m sure I would have a much bigger library to kind of pull from my things only really stem from video games and cartoons and movies and things like that, which I know are still just as great. But like a story like that. And like having to go through the all these absurdities of being an old western Batman, just to come to the realization like oh, yeah, help is actually not that bad. It just, I mean, that’s so fun that I honestly think that’s such a fun, that’s such a fun storyline

Josué Cardona 27:51
it’s pretty cool.

Marc Cuiriz 27:52
And, you know, to kind of go off of that. Because I don’t know when here comes the thought is ever going to come back when it whenever it does. But even with Steven Universe like Steven Universe future, like that’s another one where I really kind of strongly started resonating with it, especially future more, so a lot more with the trauma stuff. But also that idea of, Hey, it’s okay, to need help. Like, you don’t have to put the whole weight of the world on your shoulders and sort of push yourself to a breaking point. Because that’s, again, something that I did where I brought myself to my breaking point multiple times for the sake of other people, but also being in the same way. Like I didn’t want anybody’s help because I didn’t want to burden other people with my problems. They were my problems. So why should I burden other people with it? So kind of going with that idea of with Steven Universe future as well of like, having people sort of come together to sort of knock some sense into you or knock. Just to kind of get you to kind of realize, hey, wait a minute, you’re fighting this hard for it because you genuinely want to help and you’re offering that support. And I think like when you’re able to make a realization like that, it it is such a life changing moment. Like I think when I made that realization that they were people that were genuinely fighting to, to be there for me and to be at my side through the good times and the bad. It was a completely new feeling to me a feeling I had never really thought before, but one that I was eternally grateful for. And it’s one now that I try my best to kind of instill into others. Honestly, I think now I kind of overdo it because I, oh, I’m all I am at that point too, or like, Oh, you want to help me perfect. Please come help me do this thing. Because it’ll be so much easier that you do it. Like, I have to get my brakes changed. I’m having my dad do that. Because Lord knows it’s much easier to have somebody else that knows how to do it. And that’s offering the help, then for me to try to learn how to do it by myself, and cause myself in infinite times bigger amount of stress, and potentially ruin my car, because I probably would if I tried to do it by myself.

Josué Cardona 30:51
Yeah. My mom would, would offer me money. And I would always be like, no, no, no, mom it’s okay. And one day, she, she, she looks at me and says, you know, I’m just trying to help you don’t know how much it hurts me, when you don’t accept my help. And like, I don’t think she’d ever said those words to me. And afterwards, I was like, that’s why I mentioned that before. It’s like, whatever. It’s not just about me. Like, there’s also something about that rejection, and not like, it’s more than just, again, we’re talking about a mother to her son. Right. So there are certain relationships, right, that are where this applies to you. And I don’t think it applies to others. But like she was, she was so invested in it kind of like, you know, probably the friend version is like, these people are fighting to help me. What the hell? Yeah, well, my mom would be like that. And so I just started, like, accepting her help, and just always saying, Thank you. And recently, my two sisters do be like, Mommy, no, no, no, like, don’t don’t like Don’t, please mom, no. And then I would see my mom get upset. That’d be like, just take the money. Just take the money. And then later, like, you’re already buying her like food and all this other stuff, then just use that money. And bring it back, just like make it just just take it. Just take it. It’s like, it’s like a two way thing as well. I think it’s part of building relationships. It’s, it’s, it’s that, you know, you can give, like, gotta let people give you as well. Because, because that’s, yeah, that’s just a part of it.

Marc Cuiriz 32:47
Yeah, I never really thought much about the rejection piece. And it’s kind of weird that I wouldn’t really think about it. Because I know for me, like, if offered and was really trying to extend my support or offer help for somebody. And they turned rejected me or turned me down. I would feel that rejection. Because I know I’m, I’m more sensitive to rejection. So I will feel that hard.

Josué Cardona 33:20
Yeah.

Marc Cuiriz 33:21
But I never would stop to think about what I was doing to other people by rejecting their help. And saying, no, no, no, no, I’m fine. I got this. I got this,

Josué Cardona 33:31
now you know,

Marc Cuiriz 33:32
and now now I am very much aware. I’m like, oh, yeah, that doesn’t feel so good. Now, I’m aware because I’ve gone through it so many times. And I think I’ve had a lot of similar instances like that, where, like, I’ve had grandparents try to give me money. And I’m like, no, no, no, no, no. But especially with, with the way my family kind of grew up. I was always kind of taught that like, you don’t say, No, you just say thank you, and you kind of move on. And so then I’ve learned to kind of sometimes take whatever it is that they’re offering, whether it’s money or something else. And in turn, I would find a way to kind of bring it back. Or I think this would also kind of distort my view of it. Because like how you said like, you always felt like you would owe them. So even though they’re offering something in my mind, I’d be like, Okay, now what can I do that to return the favor for them? Because I would just automatically I would just make the assumption that like, they’re gonna want something in return, maybe not now, maybe not in a little while. But at some point down the line, they’re gonna be like, hey, remember when I did this thing for you? Like, do you think you could help me out right now? Because

Josué Cardona 34:49
it’s an assumption.

Marc Cuiriz 34:51
And that yeah, that’s an assumption that I would just have with everybody. And so that’s why I would always kind of carry that notion of like, oh, you’re offering me something. Hmm. What do you want? Like? Or I would care, I would accept it and then be like, Okay, now I feel like I have to do something to return that favor. So I don’t feel like I owe you anything.

Josué Cardona 35:12
Yeah.

Marc Cuiriz 35:13
And so learning to kind of get over that piece of it was one of those things that during therapy I spent some time on, I was like, gotta learn to just accept the accept the help for what it is, and know that I don’t owe them anything. So even if they were to come and ask me down the line, if it was something that I was able to do, then of course, then I would be more than happy to but if it was something that was a little out of my reach, or just something that it just I can’t, I can’t do it. Don’t feel bad, because, you know, they offer it out of the kindness of their heart, at least that’s what I would like to hope and not with them doing it simply because they’re like, oh, no, I’m going to call in that favor.

Josué Cardona 35:54
Yeah. Yeah. Like all these beliefs that we have in our heads that aren’t true, right. Like when it did these weird assumptions. I, I think I’ve gotten over the guilt part a lot. I think I think that part I’ve resolved.

Marc Cuiriz 36:11
Yeah,

Josué Cardona 36:12
I remember. I was living in Philadelphia at the time, I had a friend, she took me out for my birthday. And it was the most expensive meal I’ve ever had in my life. And the whole time, I just felt uncomfortable. And then later on, I got her like a gift certificate to a spa or something like I tried to match it almost dollar for dollar. Because I felt like I was I was. Yeah, like I was indebted to her. Or like, it just wasn’t fair. And I don’t think that she expected anything in return. And I never did back then it was all in, in my head. And then I just that probably made it weird. Right? But then like fast forward 20 years, right? I moved over here to Chicago, and early on a friend of mine, like like, oh, let’s, let’s go somewhere. And she paid like $120 For both of which some people might not think that that’s a lot. But I think that’s a lot for like just, it was like there’s a Starbucks here and has a tour or something like Oh, yeah, the big one.

Marc Cuiriz 37:13
Yeah, I’m know what you’re talking about.

Josué Cardona 37:15
Yeah. Yeah. And, and so instead of like, like that other example, and just being uncomfortable and feeling weird about how much it cost and all that, for this one, I just tried to live it up. Right. I was like, because because I think a big part of people wanting to help is that they? It’s not just like they’re invested in what you’re trying to do, as well. Right? So then it’s like it, it kind of becomes our thing. Right? Like I had a small part of that. You see all the credits in the movie, right? Like, you feel good that you’re, you know, you’re one of those things at the end, you knew that you know that you’re a part of that. And so, doesn’t matter how small the piece, it’s like, then then they’re a part of it, too. And, yeah, so I mean, that part of it is, um, has been hard. But I’m realizing, as we’re talking about this, I keep thinking of so many stories now, where this is a theme. But yet I feel like this is the first conversation I’ve ever had about this with someone, like in so much detail. And, and my guess is that because people don’t want to talk about this. So they don’t and yet in stories, right? Like, there’s so many stories where this, there’s that person who doesn’t want to ask for help. like for real share the load, right? It’s like, why are you suffering? The there’s like an established team, but there’s this person that you know, just wants to go off on their own. And once you know, the team starts working together, they’re able to accomplish the goal. Right like that. That character that like lone wolf is just always there in I mean, in so many different so many different stories.

Marc Cuiriz 38:58
Yeah, I mean, look at Spider Man.

Josué Cardona 39:01
Spider Man is a is a is a cautionary tale for sure.

Marc Cuiriz 39:07
Yes. 100%.

Josué Cardona 39:09
Yeah. Yeah. Not always though. Right. Like, like, I think. Like in the in the, Miles Morales game. Right?

Marc Cuiriz 39:19
oh Yeah, 100%.

Josué Cardona 39:20
Once you know, like, once he starts being a mentor and stuff like that, or like it’s different. But lots of times he does, right. Like, there’s so many stories where he’s like, I have to do this on my own. I can’t involve anybody else. And I think that’s also I hadn’t thought about this before, but it’s a little different from like, the secret identity thing, right? Like a lot of heroes. Like they can’t tell their family like, you know, they don’t want to also that idea of like, No, I’m putting their life in danger or just, you don’t want to stress them out. But I don’t know what they’re what they’re gonna say or do you have no idea if that outcome is true, but we, you know, we think that we’re going to do I hurt people or put some kind of burden on them. So I feel like I’m having that realization now. Like, I’ve never had this conversation with anybody really? And yeah, we both like we’re resonating. 100% We both?

Marc Cuiriz 40:17
Yeah, I would certainly hope you are resonating with the same person.

Josué Cardona 40:22
Just validating it one more time. And then. And then like, at first I was like, Oh, I don’t I can’t remember too many stories. But it’s like, it’s so many. It’s just that character is always always there. I think a lot of there’s a lot of stories that can help people tap into that and start that conversation.

Marc Cuiriz 40:41
Yeah, like, and I’m even sort of thinking back because, since like I said, since I caught up with season six, I thought season six of my hero was so good. I’m going back and now I’m binge watching all of it to kind of rewatch the whole series again. And I’m sort of seeing that that theme in Izuku. Throughout the whole thing of like, he’s pushing himself so hard, and they put her under the guise of like, he wants to catch up, he wants to he has to work 10 times as hard as everyone else because he’s, he’s quirkless for most of his life. And now he has one for all. But you definitely see that that that characteristic, inhale of like, no, like, I need to do this I have to push myself I have to put myself there because if I want to be the greatest heroes that can save everyone and protect everyone that I need to carry this burden by myself and then with this the secret of One for all and trying to keep that a secret and protecting all might that’s that adds a whole other layer. But I just thought of another enemy that does this.

Josué Cardona 42:01
I just I just want to mention, for listeners that you’ve you’ve called him Izuku midoriya and deku, all three

Marc Cuiriz 42:08
yup it’s just it’s all they’re all the same person. Deku is the hero name. Izuku is his first name, Midoriya is his last name. Yeah. But I’m actually thinking of another another great anime that I have watched that I haven’t finished actually, it’s the one anime that like I’ve watched it. I loved it never finished it. Haikyu and haikyu’s.

Josué Cardona 42:34
volleyball?

Marc Cuiriz 42:34
Yes, volleyball, my volleyball boys. And this is in a different way. With what’s his name? I’m gonna confuse the names here

Josué Cardona 42:49
Izuku? Midoriya? Deku?

Marc Cuiriz 42:49
yeah right. Okay, the first name is Tobio. I remember that. His name is Tobio Kageyama, Kageyama, that’s it. He in the in the beginning of this series is characterized as this King of the court because he’s very good and terms of the mechanics of volleyball, like scary good as a setter. And because he’s so good, he plays to his own style, and expects everyone to kind of listen to him because he knows the game the best he knows how to play, he knows how to win bla bla bla. And people don’t like that, because he sucks the fun out of the game. So he feels like he has to do all of this on his own. It’s him and he doesn’t want to have to rely on other people. But then over time, he learns to sort of rely on his teammates, knowing that his teammates are going to be there to pick up where he can’t do anything. And especially with Hinata, and them developing as a duo knowing that like, Hey, he’s my partner, he can keep up with me. No matter what I do, he will always be there to hit the ball. Like there’s literally nothing that’s going to stop them. Like, that’s just another story of like, learning about when to kind of reach out and accept the help, especially when it’s being aggressively thrown in your face. Like with Hinata he will aggressively throw his support in his face and be like, You need to work this out with me because I want us to be the best.

Marc Cuiriz 43:13
Also, like they’re already a team, right? Yeah, it’s a it’s a trope I was talking about before

Marc Cuiriz 44:27
Exactly.

Josué Cardona 44:28
I think your goal is already the same. Like you’re just making it, you you’re not only hurting your chances of winning, but you’re hurting the the team’s chances of winning by not relying on them, and also not supporting other people. So this stuff reminds me to shift to another form of media. Reminds me of the conversation with video games about difficulty levels. It’s like, no, you gotta play it on this difficulty level or else it’s like it doesn’t count. And I’m like, mmmmm… You know what, like, why am I going through so much trouble? Or like, I had a friend who was. So here’s an example. Donkey Kong Tropical Freeze. When they rereleased it on switch, they added a mode called funky mode. And then funky mode just gives you like, extra lives and makes it so like you can’t fall in a pit and stuff like that. Like that game is hard. It’s hard. And I understand that part of the fun of of hard games is to overcome the challenge. But like, I don’t have the time to do that level 100 times to finally get it right. So I was like, No, I’m turning on Funky mode. And and so I use that as a term for for like, for when something’s easier, you know, like, oh, yeah, no, I turned on funky mode. And to me, what does that mean? That means lowering a difficulty level. You know what, I don’t mind sometimes paying a couple bucks. Like in a game like, I’m already. I’m already. Like, I like the game. I’m enjoying myself. It doesn’t. What’s the problem? You know, like if I’m if I’m playing fortnite and so like right now there’s an Erin Jaeger skin. I think it comes out I’m not sure if it’s at the end of the month, or if it’s already available. And like, sometimes for some of these things, you gotta grind. you know? And it’s like, it’s not even hard, it’s just time. Something. You know what I’m gonna, I’m gonna drop a couple bucks. I like this game, but I don’t I don’t have that much time, or it’s just a little hard for me. So like, what’s the big deal? Right? It’s like, you can you can pay for stuff. And when it’s someone’s job, for example, right? Like, also, it’s their job. Like, if you don’t do that, then they might not get paid. Right? Especially when it’s like one on one, right? It’s like, oh, kid comes by and like, oh, well, I’m gonna mow your lawn for 20 bucks to get out of your kid. I can do it myself. But now like, the kid can’t go by his fortnite skins. Because he’s yeah right. Because I don’t know, like, the different perspectives. But in video games, it makes me I remember thinking more that way of like, Oh, I’m not gonna pay money, extra money for something. And I’m like, You know what? That’s life, though. Like, if you have particular resources, your life is a lot easier. And I know we’ve been talking about for the most part, like accepting the kindness of your friends and family, perhaps even the kindness of a stranger. Right, like you fell down and you’re like, don’t touch to me. No, it’s like, they’ll help you up, cool. Awesome, thank you. But But there’s also, I mean, we only mentioned it briefly, but our therapists our doctors, like, there’s some of these things that we cannot handle ourselves. Like, if you can afford it, and you like, and it’s hard for you to go to the gym and stuff like and you can pay a little extra to have a trainer or somebody to work with you. If you need physical therapy. If you need something, you just want to learn something, you just want to get better at a particular thing. There’s coaches, right, like, being so stubborn and not being willing, or even even worse, like being willing to pay for, like singing lessons, or an art class or go for a massage, but then not accept the help of your friends. You know, or someone who’s giving it to you. Right? Like, like, there’s that dissonance for me, it was 100% across the board. I didn’t want to pay any when I went to anything. I didn’t want to because I felt like I was burdening the entire world with my shit. But but obviously now, I mean, I have a very different perspective on that. And, and so yeah, like, yeah, sometimes that cost money. And that adds a whole other layer to it. Right? People are like, Oh, I’m not gonna pay money. I can just do it myself. It’s like, in like, I’ve joked with you about coming over to my house to help me like, you saw my house, right? Like, yeah, like you said, I started sanding the floors. I don’t know if you saw that. There’s like just a couple spots that are sanded. And then I was like, Oh, this sucks. My bedroom actually has like a quarter of the floor has been removed, because I need to replace the floors. And and then I just stopped. I was like, No, I need to pay somebody for this and it’s gonna take a while to save it up. Or maybe I’ll want to do it later. But I’d really like to be able to just pay somebody to do it and do it right and do it better and me not have to Uh, not only spent all that time, but just not go through the trouble. But still, there’s still a part of me where it’s like, I can do it myself.

Marc Cuiriz 50:10
You’d be surprised how many times that that those sorts of thoughts will come through my head, like my brakes. You know, YouTube teaches people how to do things all the time, like you to teach me to do it. Oil Change, Child’s Play, I could do that about myself, why would I want to pay X amount of dollars for an oil change when it’s going to cost me like 20 bucks for the parts and then just get to do it myself? Like,

Josué Cardona 50:31
yeah just do it,

Marc Cuiriz 50:32
then at the same time? Like, do I really want to do that? I really want to invest that time and stress myself out. Because if I mess that up, then it’s on me. And also on now without a car, like, No, I think I’d rather just pay the extra money, and have somebody else do it and know that like, alright, it’s gonna be done, it’s gonna be done right. And I don’t worry about it.

Josué Cardona 50:59
At the beginning, we were talking about a character Izuku midoriya deku. Like, getting to a point where he is going way past his limits, right? Like he’s at an unhealthy level, doing everything independently, and basically hurting himself. Right. By by and having people offering help. We could say that even at that point, he couldn’t do it by himself. And he probably needed help to be able to accomplish his goals and even possibly even just live and survive. But the other part is like, you can just accept help, even if you don’t need it. Right? I guess Sure. You may be able to do it on your own. Like, like the donkey kong example. I mean, I can I’ll eventually get it. I believe that I can.

Marc Cuiriz 51:52
Yeah, you’re gonna get funky?

Josué Cardona 51:53
No, no, no, no, even without funky mode. I can do it. I could do it. But it may take me many, many, many tries. And, and so that’s not a need. Right? But it’s like, it’s just easier. You know? actually, like, right now I have this, some furniture that I was gonna move around. And I was like, Ah, let me not be stupid. Because like, I already did this thing. I moved a treadmill, down two flights of stairs by myself.

Marc Cuiriz 52:22
Why would you do that to yourself?

Josué Cardona 52:23
because of everything we’ve talked about in this episode so far. I could not bring myself to one, ask for help. And two, I didn’t want to pay somebody. So I have actually paid someone twice on TaskRabbit to help me like hang stuff up. Just because like, like, one was a TV. I just could not like, although it was really heavy. And it was like it’s in a weird place. And the whole thing, I was like, I can’t do this. And he couldn’t do it on his own either. Right? Like we had to do like we had to carry it between the two of us. And there’s a few things like that, where I just, I just can’t. But then other times, I still go like I can move this treadmill on my own.

Marc Cuiriz 53:12
Yeah, I can just move this up and down two flights of stairs. No problem.

Josué Cardona 53:16
I know. So now like I have this huge standup desk over here that I want to move. And at first I was just getting like, Oh, I’m just gonna pick up the whole thing and grab it. And then I was like, I don’t know if I should. Either I asked for help, or I need to take this thing apart and just do it right, you know, but there’s, I don’t know, there’s still stuff like that, like my house is full of examples like that right now. Me. Realizing, right, it’s not even like I’m insisting on doing it on my own. It’s that I started that way and then realized that’s stupid. And so I’m either you know, I’ve decided to something just pay a professional to do it. Because I’m sick of asking you since you won’t come over to help me trust me or anything like that.

Marc Cuiriz 54:08
Oh my goodness

Josué Cardona 54:14
to be fair, you haven’t offered

Marc Cuiriz 54:16
that’s another thing like

Josué Cardona 54:17
you only offered excuses.

Marc Cuiriz 54:19
That’s another thing about me is that I don’t think I’ve ever I don’t I should say I don’t think I’ve ever but I don’t usually like verbally offer help. I just like I’m maybe I’ll word it in a different way or something. But like, I don’t think I all too often actually offer my help anymore. Like I I just kind of make I think I just kind of feel that. If someone really needed my help. They’ll ask me and then like people that know me know that I I’m cool with it, you just gotta ask

Josué Cardona 55:02
not true not true

Marc Cuiriz 55:02
and I’ll find I will find a way to make it work. If I can, if I can’t, That’s a different story. Like you said, it’s a far drive. And I’m a busy boy. Yeah. So it’s not that I don’t want to. It’s just that my scheduling and your scheduling are just very conflicting, except for times, like right now.

Josué Cardona 55:30
you’re just offering excuses.

Marc Cuiriz 55:32
That’s the only thing I can offer. Apparently.

Josué Cardona 55:37
There’s, I don’t know, there’s something about this. You? What was it that you said that I said that that’s not true? Um, you said that people. I just lost my train of thought. You said that people oh no man. Right?

Marc Cuiriz 55:58
Would you like me to help you get Yes, please.

Josué Cardona 56:02
I’m asking for help. Okay. Oh, that you assume that people don’t want help. Right? Because if they did, they would ask you.

Marc Cuiriz 56:10
Exactly.

Josué Cardona 56:11
And so that’s not true. Right? I know, because there are lots of times where I can really use out but I’m not gonna ask. But if you offer, I’ll say yes. Right. But it’s like, because then I think you don’t? So So I’ve started doing something in recent years, where I make it harder to opt out. Right? As the as the helper, not as the helped, as the helpee. So I maybe, right, it’s like, instead of, if I see somebody, all right, you dropped something, you’re carrying something, right, instead of saying, hey, like, do you want help with that? Or can I help you? You know, it might be more like? I don’t know, it depends on the person, you know, in this situation. But there, I might just go in like, like, I’m helping you out, right? Like, I’ll grab the other side of it, you know, it’s like, oh, I don’t know, we got this right. Or, or if it’s something like if it’s verbal, you know, instead of, hey, let me know, if you need any help. I’ll say how can I help? Right? Or I’ll say, I’ll be right over if there’s anything I can do. Like, I just point me at what you where, I can help. You know. So it’s like, my hope is that was something like that. I can, I can make it very clear, that I’m already in. Right, like, there’s no, there’s no, there’s no transaction, there’s no additional step. There’s no forms to sign. There’s no approval, there’s no convincing. It’s just, I’m in, I’m here. What can I do? If they can’t think of anything that maybe I can still find, you know, unless they blatantly are, just like, get the fuck out of my face. You know, then then, you know, message received loud and clear. But sometimes, there’s just other stuff that you can do, you know, like, on and on doing this thing. And I can’t, you know, you can’t help there. But maybe I’ll go, I don’t know, help you wash some dishes, or throw out the trash or whatever, right? Like I’m here to help. However, if that if that’s what I’m here to do. It’s what I’m here to do. So yeah,

Marc Cuiriz 58:29
you helped me with these Pokemon card scan codes.

Josué Cardona 58:33
So what’s the takeaway here?

Marc Cuiriz 58:36
Takeaway, I think the takeaway

Josué Cardona 58:40
is that you’re not going to come to my house and help me.

Marc Cuiriz 58:43
I’m only going to come over to throw card codes at you. And that’s about it. Yeah, just slide them in there. No, I think I think the main takeaway is that learning to and accepting help, whether it’s from people in your life, in your life, or even from just services like resources and things like that. It’s not a bad thing. Especially when they’re there. They’re meant for you, like, people are offering their help, or their services to you, because they want to help you. That’s not bad. And learning to kind of overcome our own. Our own views on receiving outside help, can really sort of open up a new fresh perspective on things and also just gives you a chance to kind of relax for a second You know? take take a take a load off your shoulders, take a deep breath, relax, and knowing that you’re not doing it alone, or that you don’t have to do go through the whole process alone or figure it out on your own. You can kind of give yourself a minute. And in giving yourself a minute, you can kind of learn to appreciate the people that do want to be there for you, or be appreciative of the services that are provided to you or that are offered to you. And being able to utilize those. So that way you can continue to develop yourself in a way that you want to, rather than feeling like you have to take on the entire world on your own. And close yourself off. Yeah.

Josué Cardona 1:00:56
I’ll give one more example. There’s a game called Ni no Kuni. I haven’t I haven’t talked about it in a while. In this game. You deal with emotions. So it’s like these emotional energies. And as the main character, you will find people who are low on courage or low on love or low on I forgot all the other ones, but there’s like seven total. So to help them, what you do is that you find someone else who has an abundance of that. And then you ask them and they’re able to give you like some of their courage, energy or their love energy or their, whatever energy. And then you put that in a bottle, and then you bring it to the person who is low on that. I’ve talked about this game many times, but I never thought I never thought of it. And maybe I have, but I think it applies which is that if somebody is offering to help, that may mean that they’re in a position to help. Like, it’s unhealthy to give something that you do not have. Right? Like if you’re broke and you’re going and giving people money, you’re just gonna be more broke. But if you have you know, expendable income and you have extra money, it feels good to help somebody else out. And maybe now right now, you your clients or friends, your students may not be in a position where they have an abundance of time, energy, love caring to share with others, but the people who are willing to help who are offering assume good intentions assume that they have something to give. And, and maybe one day when you have a little extra and you have something to give you can you can pay that forward and do the same for other people. I’ve learned from myself that I where I have to set boundaries is when I identify that I that I have no more to give. And with other people I’ve also learned that I can’t expect them to do things that they’re not capable of to give me things that they don’t have to give. So good topic.

Marc Cuiriz 1:03:32
aw Shucks, thanks

Josué Cardona 1:03:38
next time we’ll talk about accepting praise.

Marc Cuiriz 1:03:43
Yeah, no, thanks

Josué Cardona 1:03:50
Why are Link and Lara not here?

Marc Cuiriz 1:03:52
Interesting

Josué Cardona 1:03:53
why are they out of this one. Oh, thank you for the for the combo Marc. Thank you, listeners for joining us on this episode of GT radio. If you want to join the discussion, check out the links in the show notes to all of our community spaces. For more Geek Therapy, visit geek therapy.org. Remember to geek out and do good. And we’ll be back next week

Marc Cuiriz 1:04:21
mbye!

Josué Cardona 1:04:22
Geek Therapy is a 501 C three nonprofit organization dedicated to making the world a better place through geek culture. To learn more about our mission and become a supporter, visit geek therapy.org

Transcribed by https://otter.ai and Link Keller

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Characters / Media

Izuku “Deku” Midoriya / My Hero Academia
All Might / My Hero Academia
Tomura Shigaraki / My Hero Academia
Ochaco Uraraka / My Hero Academ
Taylor Swift
Batman / Infinite Crisis
Steven Universe / Steven Universe Future
Tobio Kageyama / Haikyu!!
Shoyo Hinata / Haikyu!!
Donkey Kong Tropical Freeze (2014)
Fortnite
Ni no Kuni (2011)

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Themes / Topics

Conversation Topics:

* Burnout
* Change
* Consequences
* Difficult emotions
* Family
* Fear
* Feeling alone
* Finding Oneself/Identity Development
* Guilt
* Honesty/Lies
* Love
* Mental Health Services
* Problem Solving
* Standing up for oneself
* Trust
* Taking responsibility for one’s actions
* Working with others

Relatable Experience:

* Asking for help
* Acceptance
* Clarity/Understanding
* Coming of age/Getting older
* Fear/Anxiety
* Making Others Worry
* Guilt
* Moving
* New Life Event (New Rules)